My place

A friend of mine, in a last bid to make our conversation somewhat interesting asked me,"What are your dreams/goals?"

Seriously?

I rolled my eyes in sarcasm (lucky for me, it was just in front of a computer screen!) How many times are you even allowed to ask that question before it's completely nullified?

I answered anyway, not wanting to seem rude. That, and also because he likes Yanni who happens to be my favourite pianist. Nevermind that he can't name a single song, at least he knows of the maestro's existence compared to most people who ask me, "Huh? Is that the name of an exotic food or something?"

Anyway, I conjured up (or at least tried to)  an eloquent paragraph about becoming a good doctor and serving the masses, living within God's will, finding my place in the world...yada..yada..yada...

I guess that really did sound like a cock-and-bull story. But if I were truly honest though, I'd say not everything was a fabrication especially the last two.Though I hate admitting it, I was inadvertently baring my soul to someone.

I think I lost him for good at the end of our conversation.

Reminder to self : Shut up!

Finding my place in the world

Gosh, I don't think there's anything harder than that for me. Well not exactly, but you get the picture.I don't think I've ever fitted in anywhere, except maybe kindergarden.

Jeffery Asher Nesbit wrote in his book The Great Nothing Strikes Back that "Only fools are comfortable in this world." I'm not sure I agree with him. Or maybe I do, surreptitiously of course because I don't want to come across as someone who's pompous.

It was easy to hide before. Secondary school for one, was the perfect place.

By school standards, I fitted in because they make you wear uniforms. By social standards, I flunked because I wore spectacles with huge plastic frames. My hair never turned out right so it looked like, as one girl pointed out "a broom". My classmates voted me the biggest nerd in school, although I must say my math teacher thought I was dense,ironically.

Every girl I knew, had either a sweetheart or an admirer somewhere. Me? It took me 3 years to even muster the courage to say hi to a guy I had a major crush on.

I tried to change. I really did. I even tried reading the 1000-page Miss Manners book (And what a torture that was!) so that I could learn the art of fitting into society. I tried every form of goo and slathered it on my face to lose those Mt Vesuvius pimples. Needless to say, that was a complete fail.

Then came university. This was a WHOLE different world. Hiding isn't so easy anymore. I used to hide behind books but now that isn't such a feasible idea because every other minute is spent reading your textbooks anyway and who fancies that? The first few months were a complete torture and I'm not embellishing it in any way. If it waren't for my 2 good friends in uni, I would have become a social recluse.

In my mind, university was THE place. This was the time you made friends, did all the stuff you've dreamed about for years, organised projects, discover your different potentials. In short, this was where you fitted in.

Or not.

Someone once told me that I chose to live this way and I should stop blaming people for it.

I don't blame anyone. And you're right, I chose to be this way. I chose to be different even if it meant spending many days just relying on God for comfort. Even if it meant being invisible in a crowd.

I had a conversation with a friend, Sam who told me this, " You are not the only one who feels like you can't fit in. Many people do and they are lonely too." He was right, of course. I was just too self-absorbed to notice.

When my 1st year exams were over, all the students were chatting away in excitement over the month and a half long holidays. All but one. A guy, sitting all alone staring out of the window. Nobody would talk to him. He didn't seem to know anyone either. And I truly felt sorry for him. Did I talk to him? Errr..nope...I get really nervous talking to people for the first time, unless they approach me. I'm working on that...

When I'm walking down a street, sometimes I look at random people and wonder if they've found their place in the world.

I look at the pretty, smiling lady who tries to sell me perfume at the mall and I wonder if she fits in.

I look at the immigrant who works as a labourer and I wonder if he's found it.

I see a prostitute trying to woo a new customer and I wonder if she knows.

Perhaps our place in the world is in knowing that there isn't any.